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Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Prisoner



Freedom: the absence of constraint in choice or action.

Freedom has been a recurring theme in my writing.
I have in numerous occasions described how I have so much freedom and do what I want without anyone else interfering.
In a sense this is true but in the bigger scheme of things I am a prisoner.

A prisoner of what you may ask. Simply put a prisoner of my own lies.

Recently I have been on a blog binge, reading and writing.
And I have come across a group of blogs, I call it a group because it seems that all the people writing these blogs are friends and they each include writings about the other.
Well these girls have unknowingly opened my eyes to what freedom is. They write these beautiful blogs about their personal lives and do not hesitate on any aspect of their daily lives. From relationships to sex, their parents, Alcohol, death, abandonment, drug abuse and fears they do not hold back.
It is an open and honest account of what they see and do on a, sometimes, daily basis.
It is truly inspiring.

I feel as if I could never be that free. I could never go into that much detail of my life.

The reason being, I have lied about so many aspects of my life to so many different people that to write or tell “One” truth would be chaos.
My parents know one reality, my family another, and my friends, different ones know different stories. To an outsider reading this now you may think why lie so much? Why hide?

I thought I knew the answer.
I would tell myself it was to protect those people who love me from knowing the painful truth.
God, I even lied to myself.
What a fool!
I now know it was, and is, to protect myself from disappointment, ridicule, sympathy or disgust.


Freedom: the ability to decide what you will and will not do, or say, without control, interference, or regulation.



I have allowed people to decide for me.
I have let them decide what is right and what I should and should not be admitting to, because I thought, or think, it is what they want to hear.
By lying to them they have control over me.
The webs of lies control my life.
Control My freedom.

I am bound to these lies now. And to say the truth would be the end of ME.
But I wish I could be like these girls telling all my horrific tales and all my experiences. I would then and only then be Free.

I guess the truth does set you free!




I’m not ready for my freedom!






“Oh what a tangled web we weave, When first we practice to deceive”

-Sir Walter Scott

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