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Sunday, July 10, 2011

Feeling....

So it appears I have neglected my blog for quite some time now. I guess I have been caught up in my misery and yes, of course my partying.

I have always said my life is far too interesting for my own good. Lately it’s been more of a bore. . . and I’m going insane. I miss the days of intrigue and excitement; even the bullshit. More and more I feel this urge to seek help. Some may say that’s a good thing but I say it’s a sign that I have lost control. And yes, things are spiraling out of control. The things and people that use to amuse me endlessly are now trinkets collecting dust in my mind with a short shelf life.

Here is an email I wrote to someone. I regret sending it now. . .

Hey how have you been? Me. it’s hard to sleep these days! My mind is an absolute scrambled mess! Not really sure why I'm sharing this but I felt like writing; but not to thin air ya know!(Like writing in a blog feels sometimes) I wanted to write to someone. Do you ever feel like you're days are numbered? Like you're literally living out your last few days? I have been feeling like that a lot lately. Like a weird premonition. It’s probably just wishful thinking! (Nothing to worry about I'm not suicidal... Thinking you're gonna die/Wishing for death and Wanting to kill yourself are two different things! Right?)
My plans haven't gone, well, as planned. Today I was reading some stuff I wrote a while back. It was about my life at that time and how happy I was; seems like so long ago!( It was one of my blogs... It was about how I was living on my own, working a great job, and partying all the time with my awesome friends) I just want to get out of here. Out of LA! I have always said LA kills your soul. . . It’s definitely putting the choke hold on mine. I don't know what I want anymore! I'm not even sure I know who I am anymore. It’s funny because I notice the most obvious things about myself when I'm intoxicated . . . Things I probably already know but never have the courage to think or say when I'm sober. Courage may not be the right word. I think it’s my pride and this image I have of myself that won't let me see how truly pathetic I can be. Most people have this crazy image of me but it’s all fabricated by Me. I'm sure you never imagined to get such an email from me. What’s funny is that you don't really know me and I don't really know you. Maybe this is why I feel I can “talk” to you.(I really didn't want to talk to him. I just wanted him to listen. Men never get it right)Is that weird? Am I weird? You know whenever people ask that question I think they want the answer to be yes. They want to feel special, different, eccentric.
You're probably gonna feel overwhelmed when you read this . . . Sorry if I made you feel that way. I really just needed to talk to someone without really talking, and for a girl who has a lot of friends I don't have anyone to just talk to. I may regret this email in the morning but I know ill regret it more if I had never sent it. I really do hope you're well and please don't feel obligated to respond to this.(AKA please don't respond to this) I actually might not want to know what you think after reading it. Probably that I need help! I probably do. Can I just ask you one thing? Don't share this with anyone I'm not big on sharing! Thank you for listening

Let’s just say I won’t be talking to him any time soon. I didn’t need him to try and fix me. I just needed him to listen. I’m beginning to think this is why I am so intent on seeking help not so much to be “fixed” but to have someone to listen. Sad really. I have to pay someone to Listen to me….

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