He was sprawled out like Jesus . . .

Turning up Stylo, one of the songs off the new Gorillaz CD, I slowly inched closer to the accident. I figured it was just another LA pile up. There was one police car a firetruck that had just arrived and a towtruck. As three lanes of cars and trucks tried to merge into My lane I glanced over toward the accident and saw an officer standing near his patrol car looking at the ground beneath him. As My eyes followed his line of sight I finally saw what he was looking at.
He was sprawled out like Jesus on the Eastbound 10 freeway. He looked about 30 and was wearing a blue plaid shirt jeans and boots. Blood pooling near the top of his still helmeted head like a halo. There was brain matter laying in his blood in plain sight. His bike was 25 feet away mangled and facing the opposite direction of traffic.
As I passed the last patrol car traffic cleared and everyone began to increase their speed. I sped off with thousands of thoughts going through My mind. What was going to happen when his family got the news? I wondered what his last thoughts were. Where had he come from and where was he going? He never expected THaT to be his last ride and that his life would end on the pavement of the 10 freeway.
The whole ride home I thought about him and life just became more pointless in My mind. All his plans and dreams and years he worked Pointless! Seeing death that close just reminded me about how we don't have any control over our lives! It made me want to die.
I wonder if ill dream about him tonight?!

R.I.P motorcycle man
????- April 2010
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Prisoner

Freedom: the absence of constraint in choice or action.

Freedom has been a recurring theme in my writing.
I have in numerous occasions described how I have so much freedom and do what I want without anyone else interfering.
In a sense this is true but in the bigger scheme of things I am a prisoner.

A prisoner of what you may ask. Simply put a prisoner of my own lies.

Recently I have been on a blog binge, reading and writing.
And I have come across a group of blogs, I call it a group because it seems that all the people writing these blogs are friends and they each include writings about the other.
Well these girls have unknowingly opened my eyes to what freedom is. They write these beautiful blogs about their personal lives and do not hesitate on any aspect of their daily lives. From relationships to sex, their parents, Alcohol, death, abandonment, drug abuse and fears they do not hold back.
It is an open and honest account of what they see and do on a, sometimes, daily basis.
It is truly inspiring.

I feel as if I could never be that free. I could never go into that much detail of my life.

The reason being, I have lied about so many aspects of my life to so many different people that to write or tell “One” truth would be chaos.
My parents know one reality, my family another, and my friends, different ones know different stories. To an outsider reading this now you may think why lie so much? Why hide?

I thought I knew the answer.
I would tell myself it was to protect those people who love me from knowing the painful truth.
God, I even lied to myself.
What a fool!
I now know it was, and is, to protect myself from disappointment, ridicule, sympathy or disgust.


Freedom: the ability to decide what you will and will not do, or say, without control, interference, or regulation.

I have allowed people to decide for me.
I have let them decide what is right and what I should and should not be admitting to, because I thought, or think, it is what they want to hear.
By lying to them they have control over me.
The webs of lies control my life.
Control My freedom.

I am bound to these lies now. And to say the truth would be the end of ME.
But I wish I could be like these girls telling all my horrific tales and all my experiences. I would then and only then be Free.

I guess the truth does set you free!

I’m not ready for my freedom!

“Oh what a tangled web we weave, When first we practice to deceive”

-Sir Walter Scott

Indecisive

Death.
I think about it a lot.
I think about what it would be like to die. The ways I could go; and how the people around me would react. Many people are afraid to die. They fear the unknown. To me the unknown is a sanctuary.

Life.
Wretched, mystifying, and intoxicating all at the same time.
Wretched because of the pain and suffering. Mystifying because of the harmony between beauty and destruction. Intoxicating because once you experience it you are captivated.

Death.
I think about my heart stopping. Unconsciousness. Pain. Fear?
I imagine driving off a cliff at hundreds of miles per hour. Adrenaline pumping. Fear?
I see my Family troubled; my friends distraught. Confusion. Anger. Fear?

Life.
The beauty of friendship. The Warmth of love. The trials and Tribulation from up above.
Money and power. The truth about love. Men and women seeking acceptance. Violence and drugs.
The search for meaning. Religion and hate. Disease, redemption, Sex and jail bait.

Death.
Deliverance. The end. Relief. Sanctuary

Life, The Dark Comedy. Death, The Happy Ending" -Crazy Antics

Liars and Lovers by Karina Villalta

For men that walk amongst us
Who never show their face
Who think they are a victim
Of those who like to prey
For them the world moves at a slower rate.
She will never give them luck.
For they were dead before they bled
With their simple minds all fucked.

I am the liar and the lover
The mover and the shaker.
And all of those around me
The losers and the beggars
Can see that I am different
I move the world around me.
To make my dreams reality
Manipulating Anything and Everything
I lie to win and love to take
I make a move and then they shake

They look defeated and they are.
All they carry are their scars.
Of dreams all broken and
money now a figment of their imagination
becoming a symbol of ones intoxication.
They spend their nights wondering why
and all they seem to come up with is to deny
That they lost the battle and I won
but The war is not over its only just begun.

I move to achieve and shake to confuse. The Weak Little minds
of The boys who choose
the women like me
they loose and loose.
Some learn their lesson But some never do.

Torn

Music is a big part of my life.
When I was a kid my sister and I grew up with Latin rhythms and beats because it was what our parents listened to. As we got older and discovered the wonder that is a boom box we became intoxicated by the sounds the box spewed out at us. I remember listening to everything and anything. Missy Elliot, Rolling stones, Donna summers, Nirvana, Prince, Jazz, Madonna, Elvis, Country, Folk, Pop…
We heard it all. We wanted to know all the words and melodies. My sister and I used to tape the songs off the radio so we could dissect them one at a time and learn the words (this was before we had internet lyrics and before computers were in every household). I still remember some of those old songs from playing them over and over again. As we both grew up she moved away to Washington. We went our separate ways; musically as well. She stuck to hip hop and rap and I moved on to bigger and better things… the glory that is ROCK AND ROLL. Classic rock, alternative rock, Punk rock, Rockabilly …. I can go on and on. Not forgetting my roots in music I continued to enjoy some of the artist my sister and I listened to but mostly I wanted to hear New music. Music that was new to Me. I remember being in high school and seeing a bunch of my friends wearing Sex pistols t-shirts, Floggin Molly patches on their sweaters, and Nirvana buttons on their backpacks and envying them for their vast knowledge of music. Many of my classmates had a sibling who had introduced them to these musicians and that is how they knew about them, but I had no one teaching me the “ropes”. Little by little I would ask questions and do a bit of research about the latest band. Listening to new radio stations like KROQ and JACKFM helped introduce me to new and old artists as well. I began to follow bands like The Red Hot Chili Peppers and Jane’s Addiction. I had finally paved my musical road and began to know what I liked and what I didn’t. I realized early on that lyrics were important to me. I did not know why at the time but I knew that if I did not know what the band was saying I did not like it nor did I want to listen. As I grew older and discovered my passion for writing I realized why lyrics were so important. I love words. I love expression. I love music. I realized whoever wrote the song I am hearing on the radio at one point or another felt the need to express how they were feeling through writing. I was getting a glimpse inside the soul of another person.
Beautiful.
Music is Beautiful.
So I decided to take a shot at it and back in August of 2008 I began to write Lyrics (wish I could write music as well but the only instrument I know how to play are the drums). All of my music is so personal all derived from emotions and life situations. I have written over 15 songs in the past year and a half but I have always been timid about sharing my lyrics. I have always wanted someone to come in and make music to my beautiful lyrics, but the few I have worked with always want to go in another direction with them. So I have decided that If I cannot make music out of them then I can at least share them with you guys. I want you to realize this is really hard for me and I am torn about this but I feel it is time to set them free, so keep an eye out for future posts with my babies attached.

I hope this does not backfire.


“Music is a free ride into my soul” – Crazy antics

I Can Do It .... ; }

Hmmm it has been a while since I sat in front of a computer and wrote anything. Lately it has been all about going on Facebook or MySpace. Well I felt it was time …..

The last time I wrote you found me on the edge of a new year with another decade behind me. Today I come with a couple months having passed, and my life moving in the direction I want again. Finally.

Let me bring you up to date with what has been going on in my life. Towards the end of last year I went to Europe, became involved with someone, lost my job, went to Vegas a few times, and Partied a lot; all within a four month period. The new year began, I went to Mexico, went to Washington to visit my sister, I got a new tattoo, my boyfriend broke up with me, my snake Lola passed away, I partied a lot, started dating again, went to Vegas, and got a job working at a hospital; all within a four month period. It was an interesting eight months. Wouldn’t you say?

So details? Right!....

Before I left for Europe I was seeing a guy (let’s call him Eddy). While being with Eddy I started liking another guy (John), who had liked me for a while. I then left to Central Europe, had an amazing time, and came back to the states. Upon arrival and because of a strange chain of events I end up with Billy who is John’s friend. A few weeks after we start dating I lose my job, a job I hated but nonetheless a source of income. I then went to Vegas with some girlfriends, and had an amazing time. Thanksgiving rolls around I meet Billy’s family, he hangs out with mine. I then go to Vegas for a second time in December, sans Billy, and have an amazing time. All of this with a lot of partying, drinking, and a few tense encounters with John mixed in between. Are you keeping up? Good Haha. When the new year began I went to Mexico and shortly after to Washington to visit my sister and beautiful niece. While in Washington I got a new tattoo paid for by my sister as a Christmas present. Two days before my return to L.A. Billy calls me to tell me we are breaking up due to my excessive partying, drinking, racism and lack of taking any job and being too picky with my job selection. (*To which I say- he was right about the partying. COME ON!!!? To the racism, and thank God I was picky about jobs cause had I not held out for this job that I WANTED I would be working anywhere doing anything for minimum wage. It pays to hold out …you can quote me on that! Lol) I come home the day after and find my poor snake Lola passed away. I cry and bury her. I then start partying with my newly single status and freedom. I then went on a few dates one of which was a movie director who had been insistent on taking me out for over a year, he is hot but totally arrogant. I then go to Vegas for Rockabilly weekend, and have the best time of my life! Upon my return I get the good news that the job I had interviewed for a month and a half ago is mine!!!

Ahhh I love my Life It is far more detailed and interesting than this but you get the just of it.

At times my life may seem a little erratic but it is nothing I cannot handle. I love everything about my life. Yeah I have tough times, but who does not? Honestly though, I feel as if the good outnumber the bad 1000:1 and I am not really a “glass half full” kind of girl. I am always pessimistic about everything; that way I can never be disappointed. Somehow my life, so far, has been an amazing adventure of epic proportions. Call it chance or call it my choices, it does not matter, all I know is I can NOT say that I regret not doing something. I have done, seen, experienced, touched, smelled, and heard everything that I have wanted to at this point in my life.

Those who know me well know that I am the type of person who does not worry about regretting things that I have done; I am a person who worries about regretting the things I do not do. This is mainly why I live my life the way I do. This is why I party how I do. This is why I date the most random people. This is why I travel. This is why I have Tattoos. This is why I sell my high heels off my feet to an elderly man on the street. You get the picture?! Good! I mean don’t get me wrong there are soooo many things that I regret in my life and wish I could change, but the bigger picture still remains in my mind, what if I had not…...

My parents have a different view of my life. My mom wants me to give up my freedom, be miserable, and hate my life … yeah you guessed it she wants me to get married. My father wants me to give up my freedom, calm down, and graduate already. He makes it seem like I am wasting my life away, not doing anything productive. My mother sees my life in a lighter light. She says, “It is just a phase! Something every person has to go through”. Although she may be right I don’t see the End of this so called “phase” any time soon. I am just curious to know what being married or having a document saying I have a Bachelors in science can teach me about the world. The things that I have learned in my life can never be taught in a classroom.Either way how does being married and having a degree measure my success?

Hmm I didn’t know that getting to know who you are as a person and what you like and dislike is a waste of time. How about going to school full time while working full time? What about that? Guess I should sign up to be a missionary in India to make my life “meaningful”. Ugh!! Ok I’m ranting but it is so frustrating to hear that you are so limited by what a “successful” life is.

Let’s state the facts:

1. I am 22 (23 on May 5th)

2. I have no children (or major responsibilities)

3. I live on my own (and have since I was 18)

4. I am not a drug addict or an Alcoholic (although some would dispute the alcoholism lol)

5. I have never been arrested (nor had any trouble with the law. THANK GOD)

6. I am still attempting to finish school ( I have not given up)

7. I work and have been since I was 15 (Just got a job working at City of Hope cancer center. You can congratulate me later!! Lol)

8. I have traveled to various parts of the world (something many people my age don’t get to do)

So you tell me… for my age have I led a successful life?Compare it to your life. Now compare it to the majority of other Americans. I think I have done a damn good job!!!!!Get married!!! For WHAT?

About two months ago, back in February, I went to visit my sister in Washington State. She wanted me to go celebrate her daughters first birthday (my niece Aryleena, The cutest baby in the world. Seriously.) One of the days she took me to visit a friend of hers named Rita, (I changed her name for her protection lol) well Rita is married to this man whom she has children with, and during the visit she is trying to pawn him off on me! She can’t stand the man. Why the FUCK did you marry him then? Basically every other young person I have ever talked to about getting married tell me NOT to do it….Well no shit you are young you don’t even know who you are or what you like! I on the other hand have enjoyed my youth. I have lived my life to its fullest potential and I have no regrets of what I “could have” done. Even my sister who is 11 months older than me has told me she lives vicariously through me. She wishes she had done the things I have but she got married young and had a baby young.

With that said I would like to conclude with this…..I am NOT throwing my life away I am living my life the way I want to live; experiencing everything that it has to offer. I am continuing my education because I do believe in bettering my life and having a future but for God’s sake people I am only 23!!!!!! Give me a God damn break!

*I honestly don’t have anything against Billy he is actually a really nice guy and I believe he did what he needed to do out of his best interest but he was warned about me before asking me to be his girl and he still did, only to find out he couldn’t handle it.
Seriously the next time you are into a chick and Her friends are warning you… Run away baby….
Also, don’t break up with her when she is thousands of miles away in another state. Be a man. After all you are 30.