Crossroads

I have come to a fork in the road…

My whole life I have been lead to believe I was put here on earth to do great things. Although that may be true I have nothing to show for it. When I was younger I had hopes of becoming a doctor (Pediatrician) and leading groups of other great doctors through remote places on earth in the summer helping children in need who could not afford medical treatment. Although a great story it was never likely. First I really don’t like kids and second I hated working in a hospital. But my parents always liked the idea. When I graduated high school I went straight into a private 4 year university where I finished half my GE and Half my major and then got kicked out. Currently I am going to school to finish my AA so that I could then finish my BS in Biology all the while working a full time job. All my friends from said 4 year University have recently graduated and moved on to better things and I am….well I am working a Stupid F*cking Job with stupid mother F*cking people where I am always subjected to bullshit getting well underpaid all the while going to school at night and barely getting by. (Sorry I got a little carried away) deep breath. So let’s just say I am currently not so happy with my situation. The only thing that gets me by is going out. I could also say this is the thing dragging me further down into my pit of despair (ok I know a little morbid but hey….that’s life).
Anywho….I have always been a person who does Extremes. I am either Extremely happy or Extremely pissed, Extremely focused or Extremely out of it, I either like you or I don’t….you get the picture. With me there are no in-betweens (a character flaw I have from my father he is always Hot or Cold no Luke warm setting) thus making my going out hard to do at a minimal. So I rather go out and be F*cking crazy or not go out at all. You see my dilemma…..
So like I said I am at a Crossroads where the adult me needs to take control of my life and the Party girl is fighting for the reigns. So far Party Girl has been winning. She makes my mediocre life bearable and introduces me to new people and new things and at times makes me forget about my woes. But then the Adult me is like “your life is a f*cking circus no meaning no reason. This year is half over and although it has been a great year with many adventures and CRAZY ANTICS you have not moved up one bit towards your goals!!!” Yeah that’s what she says. She screams at me and tells me you’re a disappointment. People around me are fast to point this out too and although they are right I don’t let myself admit it, Adult me or Party girl me!

What the HELL am I doing?

Crossroads…a place were many roads meet; a metaphor for trying to make a hard decision.

Yeah I’m at a crossroads. One road leads to fun, crazy nights, Men, Partying, Drinking, memories or blackouts, and chaos. The other is unclear.

Some people tell me you are young enjoy yourself; others say you are young wasting your youth. Two Extremes.

Extremes!!!!
Extreme!

Too much to think about. A hard choice to make. For some people that choice is made for them. I.e. Having a baby, getting married, a parent dying! They have to survive and let the adult in them take control but for people like me who have a choice….F*ck

"Life- The Dark Comedy, Death- The Happy Ending" -"Crazy Antics"

MJ The Bedlam Continues.

Since everyone is taking their two cents and tossing them into the Michael Jackson fountain, I guess I will too.

First off let me just say that I was and am a fan of Michael Jackson “The Artist”, Not Michael Jackson “The person”. I’m just letting you know because some people think I am insensitive about his whole life and death. But by all means I am just being a realist ok, so calm down people.

All his life he was manipulated and ridiculed. He had his personal demons paraded in front of America and the rest of the world; His family dysfunctional; His marriages a sham; His children Victims of a father’s obsession with eccentricities; His body fading; His Life a Basic all around spectacle. BUT why end there? In death his legacy of bedlam has continued. Stories of drug addiction, child endangerment, death wishes, secret passageways and ghosts have saturated the media and with it Michael frenzy.

Why are people so hungry for the late breaking news about a person they only knew a fraction of? No one knew the real Michael he did a fine job of hiding, or I should say protecting his true self. People are always medaling in other peoples business; celebrity or not. Why do we care what will happen to his estates, his debt or his children (well that one I sort of understand…”Think of the children”). Well I guess its human nature to care but to flood our time in the life of a Celebrity is ridiculous by all means of the word! Why do we have to take pictures of celebrities and sell them to the highest bidder? Why do people care so much to buy those pictures for thousands of dollars and put them in magazines? And why do we the consumer purchase these magazines at $3.00 a pop? Why all the gossip and rumors and slander? It beats me. I have always been one of those people who “If It does not concern me I don’t care or need to know”, but not everyone is like me (what a shame). People feed off of information that does not pertain to them and share it with others and gossip just because they can.

I fell sorry for him, his children and his loved ones they never had a normal life, and never will.

For people who call themselves followers and are crying and mourning. I’m just curious to know why? I do not understand it and frankly I think it’s rather foolish (for this I am called callous and cold hearted). I do not understand how you could “Follow” a man you hardly knew; a man who did absolutely nothing for you. Maybe because I am not big on pop culture, because it is fueled by the media and people who follow trends, I do not get it so please explain!

With all this said Good bye and Good Luck Michael for Judgment awaits.

1958-2009

Michael Jackson's Star on the walk of fame. (picture taken by me. Karina)

Love:The wrong information!

Here I go on another tangent about the misfortunes love brings… my ideas and views on the subject if you will.

Never have I been in love... Love is a scary thought to me, but maybe like everyone else I am just misinformed as to what love is or what it should be. The media does a great job of this. (I Love a good conspiracy)
I use the term love loosely because I do not think that in this day and age people know what the real word means let alone how they feel on the topic.
Not to get biblical on you but the bible has the best definition of what love should be, in my opinion: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13:4-13 The word Self-Seeking is the one that stands out to me the most because essentially what it is saying is be selfless, and to me being in love or “Loving” someone means selflessness. Something many people can not fathom! Today people in the world are taught to look out for “# 1”, in other words “fuck everyone”, “only think about yourself”, “it’s ok to be selfish.” This is why love in these times is hard to come by because you are not supposed to look out for yourself when there is real Love or when you want real Love, you are to care about the well being of the other person more than your own. Hmm such a hard concept to grasp. In my short dating lifetime I have come to learn that you should not expect much or anything from the opposite sex. A while back I was told by a man I hardly knew that he “Loved” me (not the first). I almost started to laugh in his face (also not the first). His sole purpose for using that word was to get me into bed with him (I assure you it did not work), but wow he threw that word around like it had no meaning. He used it to get self-gratification not putting my feelings into consideration. I’m curious to know if he used it because it had worked on other women or because he thought I was naïve enough to fall for it?? Hmm it was interesting not to mention a turn off and a disappointment! Love is not sex. Sex is not Love. I think we should all know this by now! Either way It was NOT Love!
I have never been a romantic (I thought) but I come to find out that romance is far more than pretty words, flowers, opening doors and butterflies in your stomach (shit I hate) it also means an appreciation for tenderness and an attachment, fascination, or enthusiasm for someone. But even so, I hate to say it, I am a pessimist when it comes to love. I never think about how great it’s going to be. I think about how bad it’s going to end. Maybe I programmed myself to be ready for disappointment, because face it all men come short of our expectations when it come to love. I meet someone and automatically I can tell if it’s going to end badly or if it is going to end horribly. I remember the day I laid my eyes on Steven. He was the poster boy for “Bad boys”. He was dark, covered in tattoos, facial hair, had a dirt bike, did drugs, lived in a garage, and was a tattoo artist. He could have any girl. (I say girl instead of women because he was a 28 year old loser going nowhere fast that any normal woman his age would not tolerate his BS) I was 19 and I had never had the attention of a bad boy (I always attracted clean older men...go figure) I was excited to have been noticed by him. I have always wanted a bad boy! I’m a rebel at heart myself and a bad boy would complete me, so I thought. There was only one problem the moment he gave me his number I knew it would End Horribly. That was the first thought, well second thought I had about him lol. I was not going to lie to myself and believe that things were going to go smooth. He was a bad boy for a reason. I said to myself this is going to end horribly I don’t know when or how but I know it will. And I was right. Now why would I set myself up for disaster? Maybe I still had hope. I was younger and naïve. Hard-headed perhaps...call it what you want. All I know is that I ignored my instinct and I paid the consequence. This was one of the many times I met someone and already knew what the outcome would be. I learned my lesson but sometimes i still give in to hope.
I have too many friends who have been in, so called “love” and they are miserable before, during and after the ordeal. I think I am far too young and enjoy my freedom far too much to be able to say “I am going to be selfless and love this ONE person unconditionally” so why even go through the motion. Hmm what do you think about all this?

"Love is like a carousel ride….sometimes you’re up sometimes you’re down but the ride ends before you think, you come off nauseous and worst of all feel robbed". – “Crazy Antics”