Heartache and Sadness

10 Years after 9-11 I find myself almost obsessed by the events that unfolded that eerie September morning. It still feels like it wasn’t real. Like what I saw on TV that day was just a movie, but deep down I know it all happened.
I will never completely understand the devastation felt by all the people at or near ground zero, the Pentagon, and in the airplanes. Even the families and friends of those lost have a better grip on the reality of the chaos that day than I do.
Wanting to truly and fully understand what really happened that day I have been searching daily for stories. I want to know what people saw, smelled, felt. I want to feel like I was there, partly because to me it is still so incomprehensible. I still can’t wrap my brain around it. How can humans in this “progressive” world with so much technology and abundance still act so barbaric?
People who were not anywhere near Manhattan or the Pentagon or who didn’t know someone working in these buildings or in the airplanes will never completely grasp the devastation on September 11th 2001.
I read this story published in December of 2001 and I now have a sense of the real horrors people experienced that day.

http://www.esquire.com/features/what-ive-learned/ESQ0102-JAN_WTC_rev





Never Forgotten.

Feeling....

So it appears I have neglected my blog for quite some time now. I guess I have been caught up in my misery and yes, of course my partying.

I have always said my life is far too interesting for my own good. Lately it’s been more of a bore. . . and I’m going insane. I miss the days of intrigue and excitement; even the bullshit. More and more I feel this urge to seek help. Some may say that’s a good thing but I say it’s a sign that I have lost control. And yes, things are spiraling out of control. The things and people that use to amuse me endlessly are now trinkets collecting dust in my mind with a short shelf life.

Here is an email I wrote to someone. I regret sending it now. . .

Hey how have you been? Me. it’s hard to sleep these days! My mind is an absolute scrambled mess! Not really sure why I'm sharing this but I felt like writing; but not to thin air ya know!(Like writing in a blog feels sometimes) I wanted to write to someone. Do you ever feel like you're days are numbered? Like you're literally living out your last few days? I have been feeling like that a lot lately. Like a weird premonition. It’s probably just wishful thinking! (Nothing to worry about I'm not suicidal... Thinking you're gonna die/Wishing for death and Wanting to kill yourself are two different things! Right?)
My plans haven't gone, well, as planned. Today I was reading some stuff I wrote a while back. It was about my life at that time and how happy I was; seems like so long ago!( It was one of my blogs... It was about how I was living on my own, working a great job, and partying all the time with my awesome friends) I just want to get out of here. Out of LA! I have always said LA kills your soul. . . It’s definitely putting the choke hold on mine. I don't know what I want anymore! I'm not even sure I know who I am anymore. It’s funny because I notice the most obvious things about myself when I'm intoxicated . . . Things I probably already know but never have the courage to think or say when I'm sober. Courage may not be the right word. I think it’s my pride and this image I have of myself that won't let me see how truly pathetic I can be. Most people have this crazy image of me but it’s all fabricated by Me. I'm sure you never imagined to get such an email from me. What’s funny is that you don't really know me and I don't really know you. Maybe this is why I feel I can “talk” to you.(I really didn't want to talk to him. I just wanted him to listen. Men never get it right)Is that weird? Am I weird? You know whenever people ask that question I think they want the answer to be yes. They want to feel special, different, eccentric.
You're probably gonna feel overwhelmed when you read this . . . Sorry if I made you feel that way. I really just needed to talk to someone without really talking, and for a girl who has a lot of friends I don't have anyone to just talk to. I may regret this email in the morning but I know ill regret it more if I had never sent it. I really do hope you're well and please don't feel obligated to respond to this.(AKA please don't respond to this) I actually might not want to know what you think after reading it. Probably that I need help! I probably do. Can I just ask you one thing? Don't share this with anyone I'm not big on sharing! Thank you for listening

Let’s just say I won’t be talking to him any time soon. I didn’t need him to try and fix me. I just needed him to listen. I’m beginning to think this is why I am so intent on seeking help not so much to be “fixed” but to have someone to listen. Sad really. I have to pay someone to Listen to me….

Oktoberfest, Beerfest, Funfest!!!

October 12, 1810 The first Oktoberfest.

So what is Oktoberfest? Historically Oktoberfest was a festival/horse race in honor of King Ludwig I and Princess Therese von Sachsen-Hildburghausen marriage. All of the citizens of Munich were invited to join the festivities and celebrate the union. Although this was supposed to be a one day event King Ludwig I turned it into an annual event lasting 16 days with heavy drinking and merriment.
Today Oktoberfest is a huge beer festival which celebrates German culture through music, beer and the “Chicken Dance”. The festival has become so popular that people all over the world travel to Munich every year during Oktoberfest to experience the celebration in the land of its origin. But don’t worry; this does not mean you have to go over seas to experience Oktoberfest, because chances are there is one in your town, city, or state.



Here in California we have a few locations that hold an annual Oktoberfest but Alpine Village is home of the largest Oktoberfest celebration in Southern California. I have been going to Alpine Village for about six years now and although it has changed considerably in the last two, it still remains “The Event” I look forward to every September.
It runs from the second weekend in September until the weekend right before Halloween in October. I started going when I was 18 (using a fake Id or sob story of how I lost my Id) and I was hooked. The first year I went it was a small venue with maybe 200 people, mostly older and nerdy, but now it is huge boasting a 32,000 square foot tent with close to a thousand, young and trendy people in attendance a night.



What to expect:
Basically this is a German Beer festival; expect to drink a lot of German beer. They have a few to choose from but the most popular are the Weiss(light) and the Dunkel(dark) beer. Traditional Bavarian fun is brought to you by an Oom Pah Pah big band, flown in direct from Germany. The food used to be slightly more traditional when I first started going, you can still get Wurst’s and sauerkraut if you like, but the Giant pretzel reigns supreme amongst all the other German fare year after year. What I noticed this last time was that they have more carnival food to offer; popcorn, nachos etc., all food is reasonably priced.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~The cost of tickets is $10.00 to get in to the tent. You can get them online at https://activ.admitoneproducts.com/reserve/advance.php?event_id=920610&instance=5 or buy them at the door! In previous years buying tickets online would have seemed ridiculous because not too many people went to Oktoberfest but today I would highly recommend going early and purchasing tickets online.
The dress code is casual but over the years wearing Lederhosen- German overalls for men and Dirndl’s- Beer maiden outfits for the women has become very popular.
This event starts at 6pm and goes until 1am Friday and Saturday. I recommend getting there at 7pm the latest, due to long lines and parking congestion. On Sundays it is more of a family event that goes from 1pm to 6pm. Parking is always a disaster, so I recommend getting dropped off and picked up. Also, Cops have become very interested in this event and pull people over left and right. Be careful.



All in all I highly recommend attending at least one Oktoberfest celebration in your life time just to experience a little bit of Bavaria and celebrate King Ludwig I and Therese.
Auf Weidersehen
Karina V.
(here is the link to my article on the website called Ellenwood)
http://www.ellenwood-ep.com/food/the-first-oktoberfest/

Viva las Vegas

Seems like these days the only thing that excites me is VEGAS!!!!
God I love that blistering city. Headed back this weekend and I am excited beyond words… I just want it to be Thursday already.

This trip is already amazing and it hasn’t even started… we have a 2 bedroom suite at a 5 star hotel, all sorts of perks and great Pool party weather! What more could I ask for….. Free bottle service please!!!

(thats me in the white posing)
This will be the first time I go with this particular group of girls. Fresh Meat ;p One of these girls is my Sister who will be flying in to Vegas from Washington. This whole trip was orchestrated on a whim by my sister and I. She needed a Vaca and I wanted to visit my beloved city. And then came Gabby, a friend who I lovingly refer to as Button, and soon after Karla (whom is Crazier than me … If that’s even possible), Tessa and friends.
And We became a posse!
All these girls have never experienced Sin city with me.
And when they do they will have seen it all!!!!!

The city that never sleeps is the only place where I can truly feel like myself and excuse all my crazy antics and barbaric behaviors. This is why it holds a special place in my heart.
I usually give a “Please understand…” speech in which I explain that all bets are off as soon as I cross state line. “I am not your best friend in Vegas; don’t expect me to wait around for you; don’t think I won’t leave you for a cute man; never assume I have had ‘too much’; Just know that I have no inhibitions, etc.” No charades, No shame, no apologies. When I go there I am there to relax (in my own way) and anyone holding me back is a nuisance. soooo when I go I select the right people for the trip (hot girls who like to party). Sometimes I refuse a trip just because of the people. I try to go as often as I can for as long as I can, because I’m myself in Las Vegas, but the wrong people can ruin any trip.


So Off I go to one of the biggest party cities in hopes of having an even greater adventure than my last (which was a blast); and to make more memories and continue my tour of debauchery.

Viva Las Vegas!!!!

“Vegas is everything that’s right with America. You can do whatever you want, 24 hours a day. They’ve effectively legalized everything there.”
- Drew Carey

Giving up, Moving on.

I have come to realize that I only write on my blog when things are not going so well. I guess this is how I express myself; but I hate it because people who don’t know me and read this blog will probably think I hate my life and everything about it. This is not true. It just so happens that I get into writing moods when I’m feeling down.
My blog is also very morbid. This is just a big part of me. I would never try to kill myself on purpose, but I do think about death a lot and relate it to other aspects of my life.
That said, I come to the reason why I’m writing right now...

I’m hung-over, tired, and I’m working on Memorial Day. I agreed to work so that was my fault. I wasn’t scheduled, I volunteered. BIG MISTAKE! So, I’m writing to make the time go by. I’m also very pensive, because of changes going on in my life. Changes that are pretty much out of my hands, and as frustrating as that may be I know they are changes for the better. I have become less and less tolerant of people and their bullshit and frankly I’m done with any relationship remotely difficult. If it’s too hard its not gonna happen! I have also learned that any commitment is too much commitment for me. The only thing I am committed to is my snake Willie, my job, and my Tattoos!

“I’m too young to love; I’m too old to cry!” –Crazy antics

Love and Death

Why do we all long, Long to be loved?
When love is not life
and life is not love.

It brings Death to freedom and decision
Death to happiness and forgiveness
Death to maturity and security
Death to humility and my tranquility

Looking in the eyes of fate.
A fate which lies and puts us at the mercy
of another being who now holds the key
to an exposed broken possession which used to be
we hold on to love like it's the only real thing
we do not see the reality of its fatality


Death to hope but you still have faith
Death to sex now its all a game
Death to friendship more deception
Death to beauty only questions
Death to sanity just dementia
Death to emotion
Now only depression

Love is a synonym to death.
Love is a mental train wreck
Love is a risk
Not many should take
Love ruins lives
You seek good advice
But you do not see, your eyes are blind
Love and death go hand in hand
go hand in hand hand in hand


Death to Passion just corruption
Death to thought now memory loss.
Death to truth only lies
Death to laughter that's my demise
Death to pleasure only pressure.
Death to dreams you get no prize
Say goodbye goodbye goodbye

Love is death, Love and death

-Karina V.

Blue

So today is my birthday. Cinco de Mayo. I was born at 10:30am on May 5th 23 years ago. And every year for the past 15 or so years I have the birthday blues on my birthday...
So im sitting here in front of my computer counting down the minutes until this wrethced day is over.

Cant wait for the weekend!!!